Sophia Bank's Blog: Omnipresence—Overcoming Autism, and Living to Create

In my autistic ramparts, I am invincible.

Inside my powerful walls, I am untouchable.

All of my life I’ve existed within an event horizon, where sunlight and darkness can enter, but can never escape. All of my life, I’ve lived behind my fortifications—unconquerable, unreachable—solitary but never lonesome.

Because of my parents, I absconded from the dark, shadowy prison that autism can be.

Intelligent beyond their condensed education, my parents possessed a love that reached out to me in my cold place and provided a warmth that sustained me—touched me.

Through the kindness and love of my parents I was able to comprehend life in its kindest expression. Even though I retained the cold and the hardness of my prison, I morphed into a semblance of animation that I could not have attained without their shelter and care.

Their compassion saved me, although they weren’t able to free me completely from oblivion.

Halfway between abysmal emptiness and paradise, I have lived a life void of emotion, except in its highest, purest manifestation.

Truth, honor, the quest for perfection—these are the pillars of my existence.

Honest emotions, the bravery to seek out the ancient wisdom of my Forefathers, a voracious appetite for the tantalizing corpulence of Life—these are the remunerations of my Family legacy.

All of my life I’ve needed nothing—no one.

Such an existence left me absent of pretense and void of earthly ambition.

A Trojan archetype in the core of my nothingness; an Etruscan artist in the intensity of my virtuousness; a Roman Lawgiver in the temple of my heart—I walked alone and shook the earth with my rage.

Everything changed when I married.

After my divorce, and Mom’s death, the big house appeared much bigger… empty. For the first time I felt lonely.

I always liked to be alone. Now, being alone is agony.

I am not the man I used to be.

I am lonely.

If it wasn’t for Rene, I would have no one in my life.

Many would say that it’s a good thing for me to crave human contact. They would say that my loneliness proves that I am human.

I suppose they’re right.

And yet… I’m alone even when surrounded by the world.

I need to be everywhere, instantly in my mind.

I cannot perceive surroundings as others can.

I live in an event horizon.

My past is in Rome, my mind and body are in the heartland of the United States, my heart is in Dixie Land, my future is out west, and my soul is in heaven.

I refuse to be anywhere—I choose to be everywhere—and if this continues, I will die nowhere.